Managing your baby's separation anxiety

Separation anxiety can be tough for you and your little one. But please be assured that it is a very natural and normal part of their early development. In fact, separation anxiety is actually a positive sign that your little one is strongly attached to you. And secure attachment with their primary caregiver is essential for a baby’s development.

Why might separation anxiety occur?

At around the age of 6 to 8 months, your baby develops something called object permanence. This is where they begin to understand that people and objects still exist, even if they can’t see them. And once they realise that you exist even when you aren’t with them, they may start to feel distressed and cry a lot when separated from you, even if you’re just leaving the room or moving away from them. This realisation can trigger separation anxiety.

Although separation anxiety can surface anytime from 6 months, it can really occur at any time in early childhood. A lot of the time, phases of transition like starting at a child care setting, or school, moving houses, a new sibling, a holiday or meeting new people even, can intensify it.

Signs of separation anxiety

Your little one might cry, become clingy or have a tantrum when you try to leave their side or put them down. They might call out for you as soon as you leave their sight, in the worry that you may not return. They may be uncomfortable around strangers, or in unfamiliar environments, without you close by. In fact, some little ones will refuse to accept other care givers taking care of them, which can be particularly tough. Night times specifically, can be really difficult for little ones experiencing separation anxiety. This is usually their longest period of separation from you. So they may struggle to fall asleep without your presence, or wake during the night looking for you when they transition sleep cycles.

Some of you may be running low on sleep and energy because your little one struggles to settle to sleep during the night without you, or you might be feeling horribly guilty every time a nursery drop off doesn’t go well, and your little one just won’t let go of you. Watching your child become incredibly distressed even if you try to leave their sight for a second can be exhausting and heart-breaking, especially because you are trying to balance your own emotions alongside your little one’s needs. Please be assured that everything you are feeling is normal. Whatever might be your current situation, I want you to know that separation anxiety does tend to pass, so please remember when you’re in the thick of it, that its’ just a moment in time.

Strategies to help with separation anxiety

There are several strategies that you can apply when you are deep in the trenches of separation anxiety and your little one will not settle unless they are with you.

Peek-a-boo

Firstly, I would begin with playing peek-a-boo with your child. This is a fantastic game to help with separation anxiety. When you hide behind your hands or a blanket just for a second, and then reappear with a big smile, your baby learns that you are still there, even when they can’t see you. You can play peek-a-boo at your little one’s pace. Once your little one begins to respond well, you can play peek-a-boo from a little further away. This helps them to get used to the idea that you can be nearby, even if they can’t see you directly. Over time, this can help them to understand that you’ll come back after leaving too. This game builds their trust and security as they experience separation and then a happy reunion.

Practice short separations

I would then suggest practicing short separations from your little one. You could begin with leaving the room for a few seconds whilst your little one is playing independently by saying you’re just going to get a drink and then returning. Over time, you can gradually increase the time apart as your child grows more and more comfortable. Slowly increasing the length of separations is going to help build confidence and get them used to it which will reduce anxiety over time. It is important to praise your little one on return for waiting for you with lots of smiles and cuddles. We always want to make that reunion a really positive experience for them.

If you need to leave your little one with a family member, I would start with a really brief outing first. I always recommend letting your child know where you are going, when you will be back and also reassuring them that they will be safe with the person watching them. It is important not sneak out without saying goodbye, as this can increase anxiety. It’s always better to reassure your little one that you will be back soon and build resilience.

Goodbye routine

Another suggestion is to have a lovely goodbye routine. Create a happy and quick goodbye that you can do with your little one anytime you leave them. This might look like a special hug, or a high five or saying the same goodbye words every time. As lingering can prolong the goodbye and intensify your child’s feelings, I would keep the goodbyes short and sweet. The same would also apply to bedtimes and nap times. After completing your lovely routine, I would suggest wishing your little one goodnight and then leaving their bedroom.

Predictable routines

It’s also really useful to have a predictable routine, for sleep times, meal times and even having a lovely bedtime routine. Once your child knows what to expect each day, it can provide a sense of security, and can help to make separations feel less scary.  

It can be really helpful to maintain consistent boundaries and stick to your usual settling method at bedtime too. Night times can be particularly tough of little ones experiencing separation anxiety. You might want to consider placing photographs of your family in your child’s bedroom, close to their sleep space, and somewhere within easy view. This is a really sweet way for your child to feel closer to you.

Pause and calm

Children often match and reflect our energy. During phases of separation anxiety, when emotions are high all round, in instances where you may be needing to drop your little one to childcare, or be trying to settle them to sleep, and you are met with a lot of resistance and upset, it can be helpful if you are able to take a moment to pause and calm. I know this is easier said than done, but children take their cues from us. So if you can try and stay calm, this can really help your little one to co regulate.

Connection time

Another helpful practice is to build in extra quality time with your little one every day. During peak separation anxiety, one to one connection time can truly benefit children. Of course, life is busy, so fitting this into your day at any point that suits you is perfect. It doesn’t have to be long, even 5 to 10 minutes is perfect. This special time can be tailored to suit your child’s preferences. They may enjoy doing some colouring, or building Lego, for example. The important thing is that you’re doing it together. Extra connection time with you is exactly what your child wants and needs to feel safe and secure.

Introduce a snuggly

Introducing a snuggly, or a comfort object like a soft toy or blanket, for example, to your child can be so helpful. This can help to comfort your little one, especially in times when you’re not physically with them. For younger children, you might want to sleep with their snuggly before you give it to them so that it smells of you. It’s worth making your child’s snuggly a part of their daily routine, like going to bed, or being dropped off to their childcare setting. Your little one may find comfort in taking their snuggly to their childcare setting with them too, if this is permitted.

Hug button

For those little ones struggling with goodbyes at nursery or school drop off, or being left with another caregiver, the Hug button can be helpful. For this method, you would need to draw a heart on your child’s wrist or hand, and then one on yours too. The Hug button would need to be charged up by holding hands. You can then remind your little one to press their Hug button anytime they want to send you a hug, and let them know you’ll send one right back. It’s such a sweet and effective way to help your child feel loved and connected to you, making that separation a little easier for them.

Separation anxiety is common and developmentally normal in little ones, and can resurface at different times in your child’s early years. Please remember that some children are more sensitive to separation anxiety and may experience it more intensely than others. It is important to take things one day at a time, and remember that the rest will come, and so will easier days. Hang in there—and remember that you’re already giving your child what they need most: love and security.

Speak soon,

Rina x